I always is like to think the of the worst possible thing that can happen in any situation.
Being hit by a train while swimming for example. Or having a speck of dust fly up and lodge itself in my belly button and burn its way through my body down to my toes while trying on a new pair of Capri’s.
Some people think this is strange. I do not, because when you are expecting an octopus to leap out of the sewer and drag you under to his deep dark lair to make octo-babies with you, It makes your day So. Much. Better. when you manage to walk across the street unscathed.
I try to instill this wonderful characteristic in my children at times.
For example. With no clue what to get Blue Boy, we guessed and bought a bunch of random crap. I figured If I could make him think that something stupid was his gift, when he opened the actual toys, he would be over the moon.
I gots good logiks, huh?
I told him his present was in a bag on the table. His little face lit with glee as he raced to peek in the bag.
Can I open it? he asked, sounding doubtful.
Yeah. Here. I said as I dumped the bags’ contents on the table. A roll of scotch tape and a package of dry erase markers.
Fully expecting confusion, anger, tears even, I was a little shocked when he looked up at me as if I had told him here’s a million bucks, go buy candy!!
Is this fo’ really my tape? He screamed, clutching it to his chest, knuckles white with the death grip he had on it.
Clearly, we need to take all this crap* back and get another roll…
* Individual photos, ones where I actually tell you what all of this crap is, can be found at Paint! And over at the Photo Blog, I have photo proof of the difference between boys and girls.
This afternoon, at my folks place, we dined like Kings. There was a Ham AND a Turkey. (I had both) Stuperman came wandering into the kitchen, hungry and coming down from his fourth or fifth Sugar High. I got down on my knees to give him a quick cuddle. He was looking at the oven.
The Turkey was beautiful, golden brown and swimming in juices. It smelt wonderful. Stuperman Pointed at it, So I told him that it was the Easter Bunny. He giggled and said “Eater Bunneh!” Ignoring the gasps of dismay from the three other mothers in the kitchen, I took that as A Sign that I should continue.
I explained that Grandpa had heard a noise in the middle of the night and had killed the Easter Bunny by mistake and so now we would be eating him for dinner. Stuperman thought this was hilarious.
Later on, during the carving of the Easter bunny Turkey, Stuperman laughed and pointed, saying “Gampa cuttin the Eater Bunneh!”. I kind of wonder what will happen the next time Stuperman sees a Turkey in the oven, but we will cross that bridge when it comes.
Since the Death of the Easter Bunny was such a hit with the baby, I brought Blue Boy over and explained what had happened.
His eyes filled with tears and his little lip trembled. Then He realised it was me he was talking to and yelled, “Dat NOT de Easter Bunny! I’m not eating Dat!!”
I tried my damnedest to convince him, I even offered him the fluffy bunny tail, arguably the best tasting bunny part there is. He was adamant and I finally had to quit trying to convince him when it looked like he was ready to punch me.
Le Sigh.
I moved on to Rainbow Man, who was playing his Nintendo DS in the living room. Again, I patiently explained what had happened with the Bunny during the night. I offered him a hug and said it would be OK. He looked up from his Game Boy, sighed and annoyingly adult sounding Sigh, and said “It’s just a Turkey Mom, But I will play your game if you want.”
Tonight we watched a program on TV called Risk Takers. They were documenting the U.S Border Patrol guys. Who have really cool guns. And one was seriously hot. ‘Till he took off his hat. Put it back on!! I screamed. Oh yes I did!
The boys came up with twenty minutes left in the show. Just as the Border Patrol were apprehending some Illegal aliens.
Rainbow Man was very concerned as he heard the documentary-talkie man saying over and over that they were tracking the aliens, that oh there they are!! shine the light!! That the aliens were hiding in the bush.
Blue Boy had his hands covering his eyes. He was peeking. I saw him.
The camera pans out to show two people hiding in a bush and Rainbow Man says Why do they call them aliens? They are just humans like us!
So I told him; No, those are definitely aliens.
Well then why do they look like humans?
‘Cus they are sneaky like that.
By now the Border patrol have lined up nine illegal aliens and the smuggler. Their faces have been blurred.
Why are their faces so weird?
I told you, they are aliens.
What from, like, space?
Where else do aliens come from?
So these are aliens? They found real aliens?
For the last time. Yes! Aliens. They change their body and pretend to be humans. You won’t ever know who is a real human or who is an alien ‘cus they are sneaky.
Well how -
There is only one way to tell an alien from a real human… Aliens have tattoos…
The same night that we traveled to the North Pole City to see Santa We were stopped by a red light. Since we have had so much snow in the past month, the graders had been through several times leaving tall piles of snow at the sides of the roads. Rainbow man was looking out his window and got all excited about the Giant Snowballs outside his window.
Now, Of course we knew that they were just chunk’s of snow the grader had left, but why ruin his fun like that? So we patiently explained to Rainbow Man that they were not infact Giant snowballs, but Baby Snowmen.
You see, while we get some pretty cold weather here, it is no where near as cold as I assume the North Pole gets, and babies are delicate be they human or Snow babies. Every fall when it starts to get colder and colder and the snow starts to fall, we sit around and think it is falling just to annoy us, but in truth, those little snowflakes you see dancing round your head are really making babies.
The baby snowmen have to stay here, where it is warmer, until they get big enough to withstand the cold and then they migrate to the North Pole to become a part of Santa’s Army.
Rainbow Man And Blue Boy were out a good part of today making a snow babies into snow men. Jitteryjoe and I spent the rest of the day giggling as they continually checked out the window to see if their snowman had migrated yet.
I have already gone out and dismantled their snowman to propagate the lies we told them.
*** I don’t want anyone to go away mad because I have posed a PPP post under this one. I think that For every PPP post I do I will put a ‘real’ one on top of it. ***
Tonight we decided to take the boys into the city to sit on Santa’s lap and tell them what they want. Bonus, I get a picture. Extra Bonus, the whole thing is free. Being the type of parents we are [bad] when Rainbow Man asked us where we had to go to see Santa, we told him “The North Pole.”
“But that will take forever! We won’t have enough gas to get there”
“I just filled up yesterday”
The whole trip into the city we strung the story of the North Pole. It would take many days to get there. We will have to make lots of yellow snow. We forgot to feed the cat… We had answers for Everything!
“But our car doesn’t have enough horse powers to get through the snow.” (Blue Boy)
“When the snow gets too deep, we are going to be using a dog sled honey.”
Finally we get to the mall where Santa is waiting. Rainbow man comes to the conclusion we are going here for photos, not the North Pole after all. But being us [bad] we weren’t yet ready to admit defeat on the the North Pole story.
“No no, we are just here for supplies, we need rope, pick axes and shovels.”
“Why rope?”
“We have to climb the mountains to get to Santas house. Its very high up, it will take a long time to climb, in fact, you will probably miss your Christmas concert”
“But we won’t have enough food!”
“We are going to buy some at the store here, and besides, if we run out, we can just eat Stuperman.”
“You can’t eat family! Its illegal!”
(Jitteryjoe and I had no idea we were breaking laws when we played ‘who can get the worst rug burn!’)
At this point, Jitteryjoe and I went from being just plain old run of the mill bad parents into horrible, nasty warp-your-kids-minds parents.
“Do you remember last time we went to the North Pole?” I asked Jitteryjoe, fully aware the children were listening. I have to hand it to Jitteryjoe, he caught on quick. Plus I can blame him because he started it!
“Oh yea, Wasn’t John with us?”
“John??” asked Rainbow man.. “Who is he?”
And at this point we might have told Rainbow Man that John was his older brother who we might have taken to the North Pole, just like we are taking them. And we might have eaten John when we ran out of food.
In two days, when the photo’s are ready to be picked up, please excuse the tearstained faces they sport. They miss John too.
