I am greatly honored to guest post for BPR today. This is The Absurdist, coming at your live! Sort of.
BPR likes to cook. Especially for Blue Man. So, in honor of her love for cooking, I have created two child control recipes for Blue Man and mommy. This ought to keep her busy for awhile when terribly annoyed.
The Toddlerita
Ingredients:
- 1 32 ounce big gulp cup
- 6 ice cubes
- 3 ounces apple juice
- 1/4 cup sugar
- 6 ounces vodka
Directions:
1. Put apple juice, sugar and ice in blender. Blend to fine consistency.
2. Add 6 ounces vodka.
3. Blend fully.
4. Pour contents of blender into 32 ounce big gulp cup.
5. Place top on cup.
6. Add bendy-flexi straw with Mickey mouse on it.
7. Give Toddlerita to out of control Blue Man.
8. Put drunk-ass child to bed 30 minutes later.
Mellow Man
Ingredients:
- 1 box brownie mix
- 1 bag milk chocolate M&Ms
- Extra ingredients required for the box of brownie mix
- A dime bag of high quality pot (go to nearest high school and ask kids where to get it)
Directions:
1. Mince entire dime bag of pot.
2. Prepare brownie mix per box directions.
3. Dump all minced pot into brownie batter and stir well.
4. Add M&Ms. Stir well.
5. If Blue Man enjoys brownie batter, allow child to eat entire bowl.
6. Should Blue Man actually like cooked brownies, follow directions to cook brownies.
7. Let cool.
8. Allow Blue Man to eat as many brownies as he so chooses.
9. Put no-longer-ornery Blue Man to bed 30 minutes later.
These two recipes also work well for DH when he is being a total bitch.
ENJOY!
Hey yall, it’s Robin from The Road Less Unraveled and I am here to guest post your ass off 
Two strangers with nothing in common, except each other…
The last time I did a guest posting gig I felt it was about time to admit to the truth about our background. Now, I figure I should give up the dirt on how Blue and I met each other. I did not get permission from Blue to reveal our sorted past but really, what fun is there in that?
We had actually been in high school together for a while before we really met and if it weren’t for the fact we both ended up in detention together that fateful Saturday who knows what would have happened. I had always admired her as she was the homecoming queen and I was really a nobody. I mean, in reality maybe I just had too much going on in my head for high school and therefore I just didn’t fit in.
That day was tough, especially with the guys around and their attitude problems. One a big suck up geek, another thinking he’d get a free ride because he was a jock and the other just wanting to start trouble. We were really innocent bystanders.
Most of the day Blue didn’t talk to me because let’s face it, I was not cool enough to breath the same air as her. She had the beautiful red hair and the fair skin while I had the dark brown unwashed hair and was pasty white. Although I did have a bag of stuff on me if I ever had to jam, that’s something. Truth be told she had pretty neat skill that involved her lipstick and her cleavage.
Eventually, towards the end as we all bonded over what losers we really were she decided to help me with my lack of beauty skills. Ok, so all she did was put some blush on me and pull my hair out of my face but it really made a difference. Lucky for me that cute jock suddenly found me irresistible after that.
After that Saturday detention we kind of lost touch for a while, she went off to have about 7 babies with the bad boy and I eventually left the jock because of a little problem with steroids. I’m glad we are friends again though, because if there is one thing I learned from that day it’s that just by being around Blue I am a much cooler person.
Hey fuckers, Avitable here. Bluepaintred is taking a week off, and she chose me, along with four other losers, to post for her instead.
This gives me an opportunity to bring up a subject that has been troubling me for some time. Over and over again, usually in the comments of my blog, BPR has made it known that she prefers the carnal company of a thinner, hairless boy-man to someone larger, more hirsute, and manlier. Yes, I know that her husband is awesome, but I think she’s not quite aware of all of the benefits of fat man love.
So, without further ado, here are the top three benefits of loving a large, hairy man over a small, hairless one:
1. You don’t have to share the sheets. No matter how cold it gets, the huskier and hairier your Lothario is, the less coverage he needs in bed. You can wrap yourself up over and over again in the sheets, blankets, and comforter, and he’ll sleep snugly under his own protective layer of fur and fat. He’ll even sleep through winter if you don’t wake him (preferably by making waffles and waving the smell over to his nose)!
2. You’ll get a lot more oral sex. For the rotund romancer, sex is a lot of work. All that bouncing and thrusting and moving and shaking really wears him out. Therefore, it’s much easier to just lay down and dive into mufftown. The better part is that all of this activity will wear him out so he’ll fall asleep faster, too! Beware, though - if he falls asleep while being linguistically cunning, he may accidentally eat you from the crotch up while he sleeps!
3. Your self esteem will be astronomical! If you’re jumping the bones of the burly, you will find yourself with higher and higher self-esteem just from spending time with him! When your portly paramour wears manties that are large enough to provide shelter for a family of five who are camping in the wilderness, the extra pound you gained over the last week is going to seem minuscule. And when he lifts you up to carry you to bed, to the pool, or to the all-you-can-eat buffet, you’ll feel light as a feather, no matter how much you weigh!
Hopefully, these three benefits (which are part of a list of hundreds) will help those of you who are struggling with the decision of whether or not they should titillate the thick, sexually assault the adipose, or cuddle with the corpulent. And remember - every time you encourage the enormous to ejaculate, an angel gets its wings.
