Apparently, Micah had other plans, as he ran his hand slowly down my back. I calmly explained to him that my vagina was an adolescent vampires wet dream at the moment, and that hanky panky was not on my agenda tonight.

And that’s when he bit me.

Of course, this didn’t happen in real life.

It doesn’t matter if I am laying in bed or peeling potatoes for supper, I imagine the weirdest things, I picture the oddest scenarios. I make up dialog between me and some other person, ANY other person. I hold entire conversations, sometimes, even arguments, with non existent people. All.The.Time.  It’s an addiction.

Does anyone else do this?

I showed him the “see through” monitor. He thought it was funny until I Told him I must have broken the computer. Now he *sob* can’t play his kindergarten games. My bad.
(no really, I made him cry!)

To take advantage of that warmth you need to wait for a minus thirty three day before deciding to bake cookies.

Mix up a double batch of the chocolate chip cookie recipe you stole from Fab last winter. Forget to take a picture of gigantic ball of chocolate-chip studded dough. Decide a lolcat talking about cookies is an OK substitute.

Add Smarties to the top cus you are cool like that!

Pop those suckers into the oven. Wait eight minutes. Remove. (is anyone writing this stuff down?)

Wait for them to cool.

Feed annoying little people who keep asking “Are they done?”

You should eat one too!

“But,” you say, “That is only 24 cookies. What did you do with the rest?”

Good Question internets, goood question.

You see, the one and ONLY benift to living in Saskatchewan in the winter is that the entire outdoors becomes your freezer.

Make the cookies like above, but do not cook them, instead, mash them together, cover them with wrap – please note taped edges to foil the wind –

And toss them onto your front deck, (or you can put on your toque, your husband’s shoes and walk out in nothing else but your fuzzy Pooh jammies and place them carefully on the deck – your call) and walk away. Use much willpower not to sneak back and begin eating frozen cookie dough.

Do NOT forget to leave a ball of raw dough in the refrigerator for your husband. Forgetting this step is a sure way to incur his wrath!

In the morning morning, rescue the frozen cookies, package them, and store in the inside.the.house freezer.

Helpful hint : Stack packaged cookies precariously in the freezer so that they fall out and smack you in the head as timely little reminder they are there. This will prevent freezer burn.

And there you have it, Cookies in the wintertime.

Also, In case anyone is interested, Our video for the Bed In A Box Commercial can be found here. The first person to mention how fat my ass looks gets golf balls thrown at their head. They say the camera adds ten pounds, and in this case, all ten went to my butt. In real life it looks nothing like that!

Pee Ess: Thanks for all your great Video Ideas!

 :cry:

Today, December 15th, 2007, ten days before Christmas, Something big Happened at Casa Del Bluepaintred.

Sigh.

Let me back up a wee tiny bit. This morning Hubs and I went into the city! Awesome! 25 feet visibility! Fog And Snow! Yay! (We had shopping to do or no one was eating!) Along the way we stopped in at a gaming store and bought Ratchet and Clank and Sonic with some silver sonic dude for The Boys to give to Hubs for Christmas.

Hubs has been practicing his surprised face all afternoon.

When we got home, and the children returned from their sleepover at Nana and Papa’s I told them to go to my room so I could show them what I had bought for them to give Daddy. With the older ones in my room, Stuperman yelled I’M DOOOONE and just like that, I had a butt to wipe.

Walking back into my room, I could not help but notice the speed that Rainbow Man moved away from my closet. The closet holding all the gifts. You know. The ones from Santa. The ones in their distinctive Santa Wrapping Paper.

Sigh.

BlueBoy, who had been looking out my window while RM snooped, was sent out of the room, and Hubs was called in.

And thus, Ten days before Christmas, I made my son cry by explaining that there was no Santa. I feel we had no choice but to tell him. It was either explain the secret, or have him say “But. I saw that in your closet!” on Christmas Morning, and have him ruin the younger boys naivety.

But it still Sucks.

Here we have a note to Rainbow man from Santa. Please note the X’s and O’s and the festive red and green writing.

And Blue Boy, again, a personal note from the jolly man, X’s and O’s added Plus a few HoHoHo’s added to ensure BB knows he is on the good list.

And the final damning piece of evidence is Stupermans letter. Please Pay Attention. No festive red and green pen, but plain black. No personalized note. Its obvious that Stuperman has been a very naughty boy and will be receiving only coal in his stocking three days hence.

Yea. LOL. Well it would have been funny had the oldest boy not noticed the difference and become convinced santa hated his brother so he wouldn’t like Santa either!

This year we decided to do away with the tradition of writing to Santa. And I DO mean tradition, Me and my siblings wrote to Santa every year too! We decided it would be easier to get rid of the Santa letters than to deal with the questions afterwards.

I wish I knew earlier in the season that there is a website, letters from Santa, where you can personalize the letter to your child and have sent – from Santa! Maybe next year. Cus honestly? I could have a lot of fun “personalizing” those letters! ( No more peeing the bed or else mister!!) (Don’t hit your brother) (Stop picking the dogs nose!!)

- Belts are very hard when you have to pee really fast. I used teachers tape instead.

- In kindergarten we don’t get homework daddy. We just do fun things like recess and snack time.

- If you bring a snake to school the girls will scream and teacher makes you sit in your chair a looong time.

- I sit beside the boy with the shark shirt and the other boy with the blue shirt and HE ATE HIS GLUE

HaHA Fuckers! Guess who’s right AGAIN!

Do you think it hurts to get bit in the man parts by a dolphin?

That wasn’t a dolphin, it was a penguin

Do you think it hurts to get bit in the man parts by a penguin? Do you know from experience? Can I see the scar-

I do-

Was there lots of blood in the water? Did it attract sharks?

I don’t know from experience.

So. No sharks?

No sharks.

Oh.

*sigh*

Yet another Friday night at home. Just the two of us.

A big Day

Six years ago I was watching TV with a hand on my belly. I was horrified that we were choosing, that we planned and worked at bringing a child into a world that could do something like this. It was 9 AM (my time)

Today, September 11th. 9AM, That same child I dreaded bringing into the world, skipped off to his first day of kindergarten. Turns out I did bring him into a world full of evil, nasty people, but also a world where the good still DO outnumber the bad.

This is my shark (points to the chalk board where, if you squint and pour liberal amounts of lemon juice in your eyes, you might be able to make out the shape of a shark.) I made it rainbow colored. Want to know why? Becaaaaause the corals in the ocean are all different colored. And fishies like to swim in the corals and so the shark needs to be all rainbow’d colored so he can be sneaking up for the fishies cus he wants to eat the fishies.

Peoples are happy when sharks are all rainbow’d color becuase when they are not rainbow’d colored they can’t be sneaked up to eat the fishes and they have to eat the peoples and the peoples like to have legs that are not eaten.

Click it. Soak up all the little details. The shark has teeth. I am the farthest figure on the right. Make a note of the star fish.