Helllllooooo! Live from Canada Chicago, it’s Saturday Night! No seriously.  It’s Saturday.  In two minutes, it’ll be Sunday.  As in, today.  As in, “Your day to guest post is Sunday, July 26th.”  Yeah.  I’m awesome like that.

Now, I bet you’re all thinking to yourselves, “Self, just who the hell is this great big ball of awesomeness?” Well, let me tell you that I am Sheila of Charm School Reject.  And I only pretend to be awesome on the internet.  In my face-to-face life, well, let’s just say I’m not quite all that awesome.  I am, however, really fucking good at faking it.

::ahem::

I, being that great big ball of awesomeness, am really unprepared for writing this post because I – remember, great big ball of awesomeness is right here - have gotten completely wrapped up in shit that doesn’t even matter, like a last minute venture into BlogHer.

Okay, well, let me tell you that I was completely wrong.

BlogHer does matter.

Stop laughing – I am completely serious here people.

It does.

And I now officially feel like an asshole for my not quite so great big ball of awesomeness disparaging comments regarding my initial experiences there.

I won’t get all into it because then I would have nothing to blog about on my own freakin’ blog and let’s face it, Folks Who Know Who The Hell I Am, I need all the fodder I can get.  This goes back to that whole great big ball of awesomeness thing ya know.

That, people, is called self-promotion.

Anyway, since most of you, I’m sure, could not possibly even remotely begin to care about my BlogHer experiences, I will stfu about it and move on to the great big ball of awesomeness guest post that I am going to set your precious Mac Notebooks afire with.

How To Write The Best Guest Post EVER in Seven Easy Steps

1.  Beg the person who is seeking guest posters to pleasepleaseprettyplease let you take over their blog for a day.

2.  Admit to said person who is seeking guest posters that you are a lurker on their blog and that, to your vodka soaked knowledge, have never even once commented on their blog.

3.  Decide that it’s okay that you’re just a creepy little lurker because hell, the first time you ever actually “spoke” to this person, it was on twitter and this person seeking guest posters was looking for a new pair of awesome shoes and you, being the great big ball of awesomeness that you are, Avitaball’d her with a picture that some schmuck named Adamdizzle emailed to you after you left your shoes at his house during the aftermath of one awesome Halloween party. {I really hope you people know the awesomeness that is Avitaballing because I’m technologically challenged and BPR’s wordpress looks different than mine and I can’t figure out how to add a picture.  You guys are getting off so easy.  Pssst….that’s what she said!}

4.  Decide that the best guest post is the guest post that has absolutely no prior planning or forethought.  In your defense, remind everyone that you didn’t realize just quickly time flies.

5.  Write your guest post after you have drank many many vodka infused lemonades that were poured for you by a guy named Bill.  You and Bill got on first name basis while you were at the BlogHer cocktail party.  This means you should totally make yourself look like a total lush and flash a little thigh so your new bff, Bill, will let you double fist ten minutes before the free booze shuts down.

6.  Get home and find out your internet is down and ohmygosh you are now reduced to stealing internet off of your husbands phone and you are trying to get a somewhat coherent post out before your cell phone bill triples.

7.  Re-read everything that you just typed, realize that you are not a great big ball of awesomeness.  Instead, you are a poor somewhat drunk girl who just needs to get her ass to bed.  And that you owe a certain awesome blogger the blow job of a lifetime for posting this complete and total douchebaggery on her blog.  Because really? I don’t think that she deserves this kind of torture.

And neither do you fine folks.  So I am seriously stfu’ing right now.

I promise.

If you are interested in purchasing my easy at-home guide to writing guest posts, please send seven monthly payments of $13.72.  This will enable me to maintain proper lubrication for at least fifteen minutes.

Heh.  I said “lubrication”.

xoxo

∗ Posted by SheilaCSR on 07.26.2009
∗ Uncategorized