Long before I ever knew anyone called bluepaintred, that was (and still is) my favourite joke. I was considering what to post earlier when I thought of that joke. Which, of course my ADD brain would run with, had me thinking about how deliciously awesome Blue is. I then started to wonder if she’s just straight up delicious. Then I reminded myself that that kind of thinking is what lead to that restraining order. So I’ll have to be happy with paint. Which I happen to have plenty of (see? my life as a sometimes artist hasn’t been a complete waste).

I then got to work on this highly imitable act*.

I mixed up some red paint.

And some blue paint.

Bluepaintred?

Here goes nothing...

Blarg... that was a lot less tasty than I was hoping for.

The blue made me less excited about the red.

Splech... Red paint, unfortunately, DOES taste like blue paint.

Hrm... maybe it's because they're separate?

Bluepaintred, for the record, is purple.

Timid tasting...

Oh hells yeah! Bluepaintred, deliciously awesome!

My tongue is stained with awesome.

*please don’t try this at home or, at very least, please don’t sue me if you do.

∗ Posted by Gwen on 07.31.2009
∗ Uncategorized
∗ Comments (7)

So I heard that Blue was looking for people to guest post, and foolishly, I volunteered. Foolishly, not because Blue isn’t awesome because she totally is, but because it’s hard enough to think about what to write for my own blog. And I already did another guest post where I put my boobs on the internet, so it’s kind of hard to top that. Oh, and incidentally, this isn’t Blue in case you haven’t figured it out. This is Lynda from over at Crazy, Nerdy, Beautiful.

Of course, Blue saw that boobs on the internet post and told me that she can’t be friends with someone who has a better rack than she does. So, I thought maybe I would write about her fantastic rack, but honestly, I haven’t looked at it that much. I have a strange fascination with my own boobs, but I’m not really that interested in other women in that way. However, if you saw her dress and her post asking the Internet for their honesty, you know she has an amazing rack. So, really, what’s to talk about?

Then I thought of talking about my newly discovered interest in sex toys. I mean, I’m a newly single gal, and I never had used them in my marital relationship, but I know other people have. I’ve heard a lot of talk about these toys, and such tools may be useful for a newly single gal who just got out of a bad relationship. But, you know, I probably will link this post from my blog, and my parents read my blog. And at the moment, I also live with them. So, I don’t want them thinking any buzzing they hear is from anything more than good oral hygenie.  (Think electric toothbrush, you perverts!) I mean, I know I’m an adult and all, but that’s just something I think of as being on the no-no list of things to talk about with your folks. So, please note I haven’t admit or deny anything. Especially if you are my mom reading this.

So, I sat and thought, “What the hell can I talk about?” Oh, and did you hear the conditions. We have to make sure that Blue doesn’t get arrested. Unless we can post her bail and represent her at her hearing. And at this time in my life, I just can’t afford that or I would totally try to get her arrested!

So, really, I got nothing at all.

Except this. Maybe you can help me. You see, as I am writing this post, my dog has been coming up to me wanting to play and go for a walk at almost 10:00 at night.

This is Nikki:

Nikki seems to not understand a few things. First off, she seems to think that the best time to ask for a walk is at 10 o’clock at night or later. I walk her in the afternoons many days, and my nephew plays with her, and she likes to sleep. But at 10 o’clock, she is asking for that walk. Many times after I walked her during the day as well.

Secondly, we just vacuumed today, my mom and I. So, Nikki, who incidentally hates the vacuum, decides that since we aren’t going for a walk, 10 o’clock is the best time to play with the messiest toy she has. One of those balls that dispenses treats. And leaves little treat crumbs all over.

Why can’t see do these things at 4 o’clock in the afternoon? When it’s sunny out? And I can put her outdoors and not have to worry about walking in the dark with the street lamps going off and tripping over the sidewalk or being mugged! Or having to vacuum again tomorrow because of little treat crumbs annoying my mom! Is this some kind of backwards dog ESP?

I guess I should just be glad she lets me sleep in most mornings. And so concludes the worst guest post ever.

∗ Posted by Lynda on 07.30.2009
∗ Blogger Buddies, Guest Post, Halp, teh lazy
∗ Comments (6)

Hi, I’m LeSombre – Canadia’s Blogger, a.k.a Mike, a.k.a. Michel a.k.a. The Canadian Polar Bear, a.k.a. “You know, that guy”. You might remember me from such great guest posts and fake guests posts as “Mikey Sunday” “Witchless Wednesday“, “The Roast of Wayne Hall“, “The best of LOLPolarz” or “Adam does Ottawa“. I run this little corner of the web called LeSombre.ca – please feel free to come and visit sometimes, eh?

LeSombre: Aren’t you supposed to be my muse? ::Sigh:: I’ll go peeeeeeeeeee, maybe something interesting will happen.

LeSombre: Plus, my crap post will have more comments than yours.

Here I was chatting away with my BlogeyWife about how I wasn’t able to write a guest post for Blue. Let’s listen in…

LeSombre: Wow, I’m so uninspired it’s not even funny.

SheilaCSR: I feel ya.

LeSombre: Aren’t you supposed to be my muse? ::Sigh:: I’ll go peeeeeeeeeee, maybe something interesting will happen.

SheilaCSR: LOL okay

See how fun we are in real life?

[Few minutes pass]

LeSombre: Boy will I shut my mouth in the future

SheilaCSR: uh oh! what did you do?

LeSombre: As I was walking to the bathroom, I felt that familiar pressure indicating that I might be in for more than a simple pee… So I made my way to the private bathroom instead.

Let me pause here for a moment. I know there’s this whole thing about pooping at the office, pooping in public places and such, but trust me if you’re one of those people, this affliction can be cured. I used to be one of you. I swear. I was completely against popping in public places. When I was 15 I used to be a camp monitor, we’d bike around the Memphremagog over the course of six days with a bunch of kids (from Sunday morning to Friday night), and I’d poop once on Friday night, and once on Saturday night. The rest of the week? Nothing. That being said, it’s amazing how sixteen days in Africa will cure even the most resolute asshole on the planet. Trust me, now if i have to go, I sfind the closest bathroom and I go.

LeSombre: Which was completely out of toilet paper.

Of course, I had taken the time to clean the floor – hey, if there’s even a remote chance that my pants will touch the floor I’m going to make damn sure the floor is clean. I said I could use public restrooms, not that I was crazy about it or anything. So for some reason, I made the rookie mistake of trusting the double roll dispenser to do it’s job of hiding a second roll just for me.

LeSombre: There was only 3 sheets of hand paper left. I guess when the cleaning crew is on vacation, you’re not supposed to crap at work. So I had to either scoot from the private bathroom to the public one with my pants around my ankles to finish the cleaning part of the job, or make do with 80 grit sandpaper, aka the handpaper.

SheilaCSR: HAhahahahahaha!!! what’d you choose?

LeSombre: Yeah… I managed to make it with my pants up after using two of the last three pieces of handpaper, and the last piece of handpaper neatly tucked in my ass crack as a preventive measure. Let’s just say I wouldn’t have walked a mile like that.

SheilaCSR: Hahahahahahahahahaha! So no more wishing for something interesting to happen?

LeSombre: I’m done wishing, yes. But: I got a post!

SheilaCSR: Yay!

LeSombre: Plus, my crap post will have more comments than yours.

SheilaCSR: Hahaha! Fucker.

So there you have it. I guess SheilaCSR really is my muse, even if she works in mysterious ways.

∗ Posted by LeSombre on 07.29.2009
∗ Blogger Buddies
∗ Comments (8)

Helllllooooo! Live from Canada Chicago, it’s Saturday Night! No seriously.  It’s Saturday.  In two minutes, it’ll be Sunday.  As in, today.  As in, “Your day to guest post is Sunday, July 26th.”  Yeah.  I’m awesome like that.

Now, I bet you’re all thinking to yourselves, “Self, just who the hell is this great big ball of awesomeness?” Well, let me tell you that I am Sheila of Charm School Reject.  And I only pretend to be awesome on the internet.  In my face-to-face life, well, let’s just say I’m not quite all that awesome.  I am, however, really fucking good at faking it.

::ahem::

I, being that great big ball of awesomeness, am really unprepared for writing this post because I – remember, great big ball of awesomeness is right here - have gotten completely wrapped up in shit that doesn’t even matter, like a last minute venture into BlogHer.

Okay, well, let me tell you that I was completely wrong.

BlogHer does matter.

Stop laughing – I am completely serious here people.

It does.

And I now officially feel like an asshole for my not quite so great big ball of awesomeness disparaging comments regarding my initial experiences there.

I won’t get all into it because then I would have nothing to blog about on my own freakin’ blog and let’s face it, Folks Who Know Who The Hell I Am, I need all the fodder I can get.  This goes back to that whole great big ball of awesomeness thing ya know.

That, people, is called self-promotion.

Anyway, since most of you, I’m sure, could not possibly even remotely begin to care about my BlogHer experiences, I will stfu about it and move on to the great big ball of awesomeness guest post that I am going to set your precious Mac Notebooks afire with.

How To Write The Best Guest Post EVER in Seven Easy Steps

1.  Beg the person who is seeking guest posters to pleasepleaseprettyplease let you take over their blog for a day.

2.  Admit to said person who is seeking guest posters that you are a lurker on their blog and that, to your vodka soaked knowledge, have never even once commented on their blog.

3.  Decide that it’s okay that you’re just a creepy little lurker because hell, the first time you ever actually “spoke” to this person, it was on twitter and this person seeking guest posters was looking for a new pair of awesome shoes and you, being the great big ball of awesomeness that you are, Avitaball’d her with a picture that some schmuck named Adamdizzle emailed to you after you left your shoes at his house during the aftermath of one awesome Halloween party. {I really hope you people know the awesomeness that is Avitaballing because I’m technologically challenged and BPR’s wordpress looks different than mine and I can’t figure out how to add a picture.  You guys are getting off so easy.  Pssst….that’s what she said!}

4.  Decide that the best guest post is the guest post that has absolutely no prior planning or forethought.  In your defense, remind everyone that you didn’t realize just quickly time flies.

5.  Write your guest post after you have drank many many vodka infused lemonades that were poured for you by a guy named Bill.  You and Bill got on first name basis while you were at the BlogHer cocktail party.  This means you should totally make yourself look like a total lush and flash a little thigh so your new bff, Bill, will let you double fist ten minutes before the free booze shuts down.

6.  Get home and find out your internet is down and ohmygosh you are now reduced to stealing internet off of your husbands phone and you are trying to get a somewhat coherent post out before your cell phone bill triples.

7.  Re-read everything that you just typed, realize that you are not a great big ball of awesomeness.  Instead, you are a poor somewhat drunk girl who just needs to get her ass to bed.  And that you owe a certain awesome blogger the blow job of a lifetime for posting this complete and total douchebaggery on her blog.  Because really? I don’t think that she deserves this kind of torture.

And neither do you fine folks.  So I am seriously stfu’ing right now.

I promise.

If you are interested in purchasing my easy at-home guide to writing guest posts, please send seven monthly payments of $13.72.  This will enable me to maintain proper lubrication for at least fifteen minutes.

Heh.  I said “lubrication”.

xoxo

∗ Posted by SheilaCSR on 07.26.2009
∗ Uncategorized
∗ Comments (4)

1. What time did you get up this morning?
Disgustingly early. Just after six am.

2. How do you like your steak?
Chicken-ish

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
That Wolverine one. Whatever its called. Is it called wolverine?

4. What is your favorite TV show?
I don’t watch much TV. I enjoy Family Guy when Micah watches it though. Stewie is great

5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?
Somewhere by a beach. Preferably a warm ocean type beach. With white sand. And a hammock.

6. What did you have for breakfast?
I forgot about breakfast till noon. Then I had Lunch

7. What is your favorite cuisine?
Chocolate

8. What foods do you dislike?
Most foods. I’m a very picky eater

9. Favorite Place to Eat?
Anywhere that I didn’t do the cooking at

10. Favorite dressing?
Golden Italian

11.What kind of vehicle do you drive?
A silver one. It has wheels. And a steering thingamabob. And it’s silver.

12. What are your favorite clothes?
Jammies. And Flipflops

13. Where would you visit if you had the chance?
A beach. A warmish Ocean type beach. With a hammock. And White Sand

14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full?
Half empty

15. Where would you want to retire?
Somewhere with a beach. A Warm ocean type beach. With the sand and the hammock and the wee drinks with umbrellas…

16. Favorite time of day?
The time when I am in bed, sleeping.

17. Where were you born?
Manitoba

18. What is your favorite sport to watch?
Im not a sports fan

19. Who do you think will not tag you back?
Iunno

#20 was deleted for being a stupid question. Stupid questions don’t deserve to live

21. Who are you most curious about their responses to this?
No ones. I’m doing this cus I am bored.

22. Bird watcher?
Birds are disgusting and germy. Ick.

23. Are you a morning person or a night person?
Night. Mornings are the work of the devil

24. Do you have any pets?
Yes. Lots. They shed. And blow bubbles. Gets annoying. On the plus, we took the fish for a walk today.

25. Any new and exciting news you’d like to share?
Uh. I got my nails done… and bought new shoes. Thats pretty exciting..

26. What did you want to be when you were little?
A veterinarian or a teacher

27. What is your best childhood memory?
Dude. I’m old. How am I supposed to remember this shit?

28. Are you a cat or dog person?
Dog. As long as the dog isn’t biting me

29. Are you married?
Yuh-huh. Ten years this August

30. Always wear your seat belt?
Without fail

31. Been in a car accident?
Several. Seat belts save lives.

32. Any pet peeves?
There is not nearly enough room on the interwebs to start listing the things that piss me off.

33. Favorite Pizza Toppings?
Bacon

34. Favorite Flower?
Daisy

35. Favorite ice cream?
Mint Chocolate Chip

36. Favorite fast food restaurant?
Mcdonalds

37. How many times did you fail your driver’s test?
Three. In the end I bribed him with cookies

38. From whom did you get your last email?
LOL. My last e-mail was a face book notification

39. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?
We recently got a credit card. But Credit cards are evil, so we hope to never use it

40. Do anything spontaneous lately?
Just the combustion thing. What? I got better.

41. Like your job?
If you can call it a “job”. I sure as hell do.

42. Broccoli?
“Whats the soup of the day?” …”Oh. Is that the green one?” …”Yeah. Bring me the green soup”

43. What was your favorite vacation?
When our first child was just a baby and Micah and I got to go camping all by ourselves. Tent sex. It’s not just a spectator sport.

44. Last person you went out to dinner with?
My Step-Mother (Not the evil-variety) and my sister- in-common-law

45. What are you listening to right now?
Micah spouting random facts from the book he is reading.

46. What is your favorite color?
Blue. All shades

47. How many tattoos do you have?
Three

48. How many are you tagging for this quiz?
Im not tagging anyone. But if anyone is bored, this is a good time waster.

49. What time did you finish this quiz?
If this is the last question, ten ten PM

50. Coffee Drinker?
Uh. Hello. If you know anything about me at all, it should be the answer to this one. And why the hell is this after the previous question? This makes no sense at all. WTF was the creator of thjis thing on? Dude, Seriously. If this wasn’t about coffee, this question would have been tossed in File 13 like #20.

∗ Posted by bluepaintred on 07.24.2009
∗ Uncategorized
∗ Comments (3)