Ok wait. You had a husband. And then he died But….he didn’t. But you thought he did, But he came back and you were all “Oh HAI! I missed you, whatcha been doing the past few YEARS! Quick we should have sex because my biological clock exploded all over the spare bedroom while I was trying to figure out how to put spare batteries in the pocket rocket I bought last week, and I haven’t found anyone to replace you yet so  lets have a baby!” Ohkaaaay then. That makes sense. Moving on…

You are a Very Bad Person. You are NOT supposed to punch  people in the face! The damage will be too visible,a nd you are liable to face assault charges!! Now, what I like to do, and this is just me, you don’t have to follow my advice if you so choose…..I like to take a ruler. (A wooden one, not one of those el cheapo plastic pieces of crap that break on the first whack) Tie your friend up – best to do this while they are sleeping thanks to the conveniently spiked  drink you gave them, and beat their feet with the ruler. The bottom of the feet. Why the bottom? Simple. It’s really hard to mark the sole of the foot but, BUT, it still hurts like an SOB. So you untie them, wait for them to wake up, and make sissy pants sympathy noses, while secretly giggling, as they complain about how sore their feet are.

Much better than a punch to the face!

Dude. it’s OK. You can be honest with me. Your ex broke up with you due to your massive debilitating addiction to internet porn, right? Surfing porn 18 hours a day is the only way I can see a person getting 45K in spam. A DAY. Unless…well unless you were lying on a secret tweet. You weren’t LYING, were you?

Go here. Unless you are at work. Unless your boss is OK with this sort of thing, then go ahead and click that link. Now you never have to feel empty again. And I’m going to buy stocks in Duracell!

Dude.Wait. WHAT? You preform surgeries. And you have no idea what you are doing? Yeaaaahhhhh. I’ll say you don’t. Listen, I’ve spent the past ten years thinking I was THE  absolute worst speller in the history of the entire interwebs, but even I know a surgeon is supposed to PERFORM surgeries!

∗ Posted by bluepaintred on 01.27.2009
∗ Uncategorized