I was asked today how to make the Perfect Baloney Sandwich. If you follow these rules exactly, you will end up flavor heaven. There is nothing better in life – NOTHING – Than a well made sandwich.

First assemble the ingredients:

Butter knife

Steak Knife

Plate

Two slices of White bread – I’m a bread racist and hate all other colors

1 slice Kraft Cheese slices. NOT the extra thick kind, the normal kind

soft margarine

Heinz mustard

two slices of baloney

lettuce – crisp head lettuce, not that crappy romaine shit

Kraft Golden Italian (salad) dressing – NOT fat free – that stuff sucks ass

One Bicks baby dill pickle

Cheddar cheese (block cheese)

Now to assemble :

Lay the bread flat in front of you. On the LEFT piece of bread, use a steak knife to apply the margarine. You should be able to see the little “lines” in the butter the bread left, but it cannot be thick enough that you can’t see the bread either. The amount of butter is very, VERY important.

The mustard goes on top of the butter. VERY light on the mustard. The butter has now turned a LIGHT yellow. You should not be able to tell at a glace there is mustard there at all. You should NOT be able to taste the mustard when eating the completed sandwich.

At this point, turn your attention to the lonely and sad RIGHT slice of bread. Squirt the Italian dressing on this bread and QUICKLY spread it over the entire surface of the bread. You want enough dressing that it slightly soaks into the bread, but not enough that you can move it around with your knife. If there is too much, you will have to scrape it off, or start over on a new slice of bread. Too much will make the bread soggy. Soggy bread is worse than babies on cocaine.

Leave the right slice of bread for a moment. Don’t worry about it being sad and lonely right now, becuase in just a few minutes you will cut it in half, diagonally, putting it out of it’s misery.

Back on the LEFT slice of bread, whisper sweet nothings to the butter and mustard as you open your cheese slice. If you tear your cheese getting it out of the wrapper, it belongs to the dog. Get a new one and this time, be more careful. The cheese slice will not cover the entire slice of bread, so make sure you are very diligent about putting it exactly in the middle.

Now you are ready for the baloney. You might be tempted, becuase you are using two slices to grab them at the same time and put them on while still store stacked. Do not make this mistake. Take the baloney out individually, place them EXACTLY center on your sliced cheese one at a time. Trust me, it is worth the extra effort.

Now move on to the Lettuce. Ignore the un-crisp outside pieces and go straight for the crisp inner lettuce leaves. (the kids get the un-crisp leaves of lettuce.) be very generous with your lettuce, your stomach will thank you for it later.

Place the RIGHT slice of Italian dressing covered bread on top of the stacked LEFT piece of bread and move to a plate.

DO NOT CUT IT YET.

Quarter your Baby dill pickle, and cut off two pieces of block cheese.

Now you can cut your sandwich. DIAGONALLY. Place two of the Pickle slices on each side of the plate. Don’t lump the pickles together in a jumble, the moment you cut that pickle they became four individual pickles. Anchor the two pieces of sandwich together by using the Cheese you have just cut as a band aid so that your sandwich does not fall apart as you walk around the counter to where your laptop is waiting for you.

Enjoy.

∗ Posted by bluepaintred on 11.05.2008
∗ Uncategorized