You can be too!
Fuck me dead! I just climbed out from under my rock and realized I have not updated this since you last visited… You would not believe how hard it is being waited on hand and foot and generally lounging around. Seriously!.
I am occupied with silk ropes, being distracted by The Shiny and just generally being a hindrance to anyone unfortunate enough to cross my path! My day is filled with fluorescent light from the second star on the right, straight on to….. whenever. I am looking at rectifying this. But who cares.
I will try to remember I promised you I will write something that makes sense soon. Seriously! Assuming I don’t get distracted by counting my chest hairs.. It’s a total possibility!
**I know, I know, a blog full of complaints is boring, so to reward you for reading this post, there is a picture of boobs at the end**
So I’m on a diet. Big whoop. I’ve been on and off six million diets since October 29, 1999. That would be the day my eldest son was born for those of you taking notes.
I guess there are two main parts to a diet. Exercise and Portion control. What no one talks about is the nasty side effects diets have.
Lemme see.
1. Exercise. I guess this is pretty important. Not sure why, but seeing as this is the first time I have implemented actual exercises into my dieting routine and I am *gasp* actually seeing the scale move, so It doesn’t really matter why it works. I have my Wii Fit, and I love it. I am in fact, planning on getting it drunk this weekend and impregnating it with my babies. Lets see that bitch complain about late night snacks after she has had a couple of kids!
2. Portion control. Unfortunately, this translates to PUT THE GODDAMN CANDY DOWN AND BACK AWAY FROM THE CHIPS LARD ASS. So I stopped eating chips. And five cent candies. And putting sugar in my sugar coated cereal. And I stopped melting bowls of chocolate chips in the microwave so I had something dip my marshmallows in.
And pretty much? Life sucks without chocolate. Just so you know.
As for the side effects. Go ahead and avoid junk food for a week or two. Then say “fuck it” I’m celebrating my 2.2 pound weight loss with chocolate coated caramel-nut granola bars. TWO of them! just try it. Then come back here and comiserate with my over my gut ache.
Fucking diet has ruined candy for me.
(pee ess: I lied. No Boobs)
- Holy shit. My head is about to EXPLODE with happiness. Seriously
- But I can’t tell you why.
- Well I could. But I won’t.
- It’s a Seeeeecret!
So to take my mind of the super, awesome, amazing, wonderful, so good you will cream your pants secret, here are even MORE bullets! YAY You!
- Today I got blisters.
- Three of them.
- Wait. four. I just found a new on on my thumb.
- I got them while trimming the shrubs in the front yard.
- Did you know I am allergic to shrubs?
- I didn’t. Until today.
- Sure hope I do not run into the Knights That Say NI! anytime soon.
- My blisters are placed in very annoying spots.
- Pick up your coffee mug. See where your fingers are pressed onto the mug?
- THAT’S where my blisters are.
- When a blister pops while you are trying to drink hot coffee, you will probably spill the coffee on your white tee shirt.
- That’s what I did.
- Tomorrow I have to get up and shovel rocks.
- This is not something I look forward to.
- Have I mentioned that I have blisters?
- Its a well known fact that Blisters and manual labour - like say, shoveling rocks, do not go together.
- OMG I NEED TO TELL YOU!
- NO! BAD!
- It’s a SEEEECRET.
- Sorry. It’s just, really hard not to share, ya’know?
- tomorrow I need to run into the city to have something engraved.
- It’s a secret too.
- but not from you.
- From Hubs.
- Our anniversary is in 8 days.
- it *might* have something to do with that.
- I will tell you the secret - not the Seeecret mind you, just the secret- on August 6th.
- If I am home.
- I might not be.
- I might be gone fore a few days next week.
- I hope I am.
- If I do not post for a few days in the first week of August, be happy for me.
- It means we went on vacation!
- I like vacations.
- What is your ideal vacation?
Hey! check it out. The bath tub just put bubbles in itself and laid out a towel and my book. I think I will take the hint.
We bought our house three years ago, after seven plus years of renting. Finally a place of our own, one that we are free to paint, decorate and landscape to our liking. First thing we did; the disgusting shrubbery in the front was torn out, and in it’s place, two of the most precious apple trees you will ever find.
For two summers, I picked off apple blossoms to prevent any fruit from growing, hating myself for doing it, yet knowing my tiny trees were not mature enough to take the weight.
Finally, My trees turn three years old. We decided to leave the blossoms on, and watch carefully. I was fully prepared to sacrifice the apples should the tree show ANY signs of distress, but none came, and we were set to harvest our eight shining apples in another nineteen days.
Except, last night we had a storm. And with last nights storm, we had hail. Can you see where this is going? I bet you can.
Carnage. Hubs tells me that even though the leaves are so horribly shredded, the tree itself is fine and will survive, but the apples are a total loss. By the time Mid August rolls around - that’s when Parkland Apples are ripe, the bruising and cuts from the hail will have rotted them.
Shall we call this one “Eye See You”?
Or do you have a better idea?
Edit : last night we had one hell of a storm, I had to take Logan down stairs to sleep because this was hitting his windows. keep in mind it was +25 (77) and I had to wait over an hour before it was safe to go outside to gather these, so they melted quite a bit.
Have I mentioned lately that Storms scare the shit out of me?
