(note: this is the first time I have ever understood why some people say “be sure to click on the picture, it looks better big” becuase you cannot see the actual photograph, and why it is so well done, when it is this small.)
It’s just not fair!
This morning I asked Parker(8) to snap a few pictures of my apple tree - the blossoms opened early this morning. I will say, in my defense, that when Parker took his photos, it was not windy at all, but when I went out later in the afternoon to snap a few, there was both a hurricane and tornado, and I think maybe an earthquake all happening at the same time. Thats the ONLY reason my pictures did not turn out. ONLY.REASON.
In the first photo, Parker has a nice bokeh going on, AND you can bet your bottom dollar he has no idea how he did it. I’ve spent the last week struggling with aperture, focal length and speed and have yet to get this result. Except in Photoshop. Then its the click of a button and I can blur out the background. AND whiten your teeth!
In the second picture he got down on his butt and took it looking up. He did not like the previous picture with the house in it, and liked the ones with cars in it even less. On one hand, I want to say look at this motherfucking kid! He can take pictures! With a motherfucking camera! In a motherfucking artistic manner! What a motherfucking awesome kid*!
But the other hand is itching to slap him becuase it never occurred to me to change the angle I shot the picture in to get rid of the cars - oh no - instead, I’ve been spending hours and hours blurring and erasing offending cars and people. Fucker.
Now. lets take a look at MY pictures. And, it would make me feel a lot better if you did NOT click on them to make them bigger. Thats considered fair warning in these parts.
I call this one Ooops! visible Fingers!
Lets call this one : What the hell! Where did those leaves come from??
Oh look! Blurry AND visable fingers, and to be frankly honest, it just got worse from here on out. Eventually I gave up on the flowers and started taking pictures of Smokey.
Oh fuck this shit! I quit.
* this won’t make a lick of sense unless you have seen this
Today the children and I went to the park for a picnic because the day was nice and kids like picnics. I’m a good mom, Right? (In reality, we went becuase if I was not home, there was no way for me to shovel the huge pile of rocks that was dumped in (again) my driveway this morning. And shoveling rocks, even very tiny ones, is damn hard work. I don’t like any work, but particularly loathe hard work.)
At the park, I learned something very important. Something that may just save my ass down the road. You see, although there were about thirty other children at the park, with their respective guardians in tow, there was not a single cry of outrage, no hurried nine one one calls to the cops, no response at all as I buried all three of my children alive.
I am quite confidant now, that if the very likely case the boys annoy me so much I kill them, that I can dispose of their battered and bleeding bodies at the playground, in the middle of the day if need be, and no one will care.
I call this one “Just lay there for a minute, mommy needs to measure the hole”
Now that spring is officially turning into summer and the children were about to spend their first full day outdoors, I reminded them again of the importance of sunscreen, then made them all stand, turn, look up, turn, close your eyes, turn again as I covered every millimeter of uncovered skin with SPF 45.
Rainbow Man, 8 and annoying, complained that if sun screen is that important, shouldn’t I be putting it on as well? I tan really well, and very rarely burn, so I seldom take the time to apply sunscreen. But today, because I was starving and wanted to get to the park and start lunch, I hastily rubbed some sunscreen on myself just to shut him up. Unfortunately, I was unwilling unable to get a clear picture of what happens when you put sunscreen only on the center inch of your forehead and nowhere else on your face, but I did manage to get a good photo of my arm.
Note to self : Next time instead of rubbing the sunscreen in like lotion, take the time to wash your hands.
What you are looking at is the end of the world, or, shall I say, the end of MY world. My dishwasher stopped draining. And then an autopsy was performed on her. And now?
I have to do dishes by hand.
Eh. Fuck it.
Gonna buy me some paper plates.
Now that we are all relaxed VIA the magical powers of sing-a-long, I think it is time to dispel an awful myth. You need not feel ashamed, until today I also believed it was impossible to bruise your own genitalia, but as it turns out, if you crash into the corner of the couch (while putting up a tissue-paper jelly fish) hard enough, you will indeed end up with a black and blue vagina.
Please. No thanks needed. I’m here to help.
