This is what it looked like last night on the way to bed. Smokey was loving it, but me? Not so much. The good news is we are only supposed to get about 40 more centimeters of snow, and not too much freezing rain. Gah! Fuckers. And just think! In two more months the days will start getting shorter again! Fuck You Winter, Fuck You!
This is Bob. Whenever I am angry at the current weather I make a sacrifice in hopes of appeasing the weather gods. I never see any actual results from my sacrifice, but it sure makes ME feel better!
Fuck you, and your cold white heart! Go to Hell And Die!
Oh. I guess you wanted to know who won the Caption Contest, eh? Hubs has had a lot of enjoyment out of all the entries, and in the end, he was torn between four different entries. Before I show who actually ended up tickling his funny bone the most, let me show you the prize!
It looks bigger in real life, it really does!
Check this fucker out! A freaking light up Hello Kitty Sucker! That rocks!
And this. Sigh. This is the best fucking sucker you will ever taste. Seriously. If you let this sucker go to waste I will kill myself just so I can haunt you for the rest of your goddamn life. And not in a nice way either! I argued all the way home with Hubs that it was just too big of a risk. What if the winner doesn’t like Cinnamon? For my own piece of mind, I will require an email from the winner stating how much they loved this sucker, becuase, really?
I COULD BE EATING IT RIGHT NOW~!
Worship this sucker. Cherish it. Love it more than masturbation.
And the Winner is : Read More »
To be honest, I am not quite ready for my vacation to be over, yet it occurred to me that there is no post scheduled for tonight and thus I must get off my fat ass and write.
But first, here is a picture that shows exactly how I filled my week off :
Happy, but covered in bugs!
And second? This is how I will spend the rest of the night. Must you all be so fucking prolific??
When my daughter was three, I went back to college. Los Angeles Valley College had a day care center that was used for Early Childhood Education classes. As a “welfare” mom, I didn’t have to pay for child care while I was in class. I was a little worried about how my daughter would take to day care because, as an only child with no cousins her age, she wasn’t used to being around a bunch of kids.
She was a little apprehensive at first, but I sat her down at a table with some other kids who were apprehensive. They started to play with the block puzzles. Some other kids came in and started crying because their moms were leaving. I hung out a little because I wanted to make sure Annicka felt comfortable. Finally, I reminded her about what we’d talked about for the past week… that mom was going to class and she would stay there at school until I came back to get her. She remembered what we’d talked about and said she was okay. I gave her a kiss and went to the door. I looked back, wondering if she was going to cry. She was busy with the block puzzles again. Not one freaking tear. I was proud and crestfallen at the same time.
The first year was pretty uneventful. Annicka had been a good baby and proved a good toddler too. Toward the end of the first year something happened that made me realize that my child was special. She had an equanimity about her, a sang froid, that other children didn’t have. My older brother told me it was because she was intelligent. My niece, who is my age and has boys, said it was because she’s an only child and hung out with adults all the time. Here is what happened to make me see my kid in an entirely different light.
The coats and backpacks at the day care were all hung on hooks in a hallway. The bathrooms were in that hallway too. It was a big bathroom with about six toilets. The odd thing about it was that it had no doors and the walls were only about thigh high. The teachers explained that the kids still had potty issues and trouble with clothes. The short wall was so they could keep an eye on the kids in case there were difficulties. I really didn’t think anything of it.
One day, as I was putting on Annicka’s jacket, another mom and her little boy came into the hallway. The boy was doing an obvious pee pee dance. His mom told him to hurry up and go. He refuse to go in the bathroom. His mom told him she had an appointment, he needed to hurry, so GO NOW. He refused. Exasperated, she said, “Give me one good reason you cannot go in there and use the toilet!”
The little boy pointed to Annicka. “She’s here! She will see me!”
The mom and I looked at each other in astonishment. We both knew that he meant my daughter would see him take out his penis. Annicka knew what he meant too. She calmly finished putting on her backpack and turned to the little boy. She fixed him with a flat stare and said in a deadpan voice, “Go pee. I don’t care. It’s only a penis.”
The mom’s lips twitched. Mine did too. We contained our laughter though. I herded Annicka out of the hallway so the boy could pee. To this day, Annicka doesn’t seem to have much reverence for the penis. When her boyfriend got smacked in the nuts, she rolled her eyes and said, “Suck it up. You’ve been whacked in the nuts before. It’s not the end of the world.”
At eighteen, her self possession is still in place. She does very well with adults and is especially poised on a military base. Her adopted father, my best friend, took her to a lot of bases because he works with the military. When introduced to generals, Annicka calls them “Sir” and that sang froid of hers carries her through. She is completely in control rather than giggly with awe. They always ask her dad if she’s going into the military. Her manners always impress them. But I know it’s not really manners that give her that cool self possession. It’s because she really isn’t impressed with the fact that the general has a penis.
**This post was written by the wonderful Winter of Life or Something Like (B)it! ! Enjoy your night, I’ll be back tomorrow night to announce the winner of the caption Contest! **
I am greatly honored to guest post for BPR today. This is The Absurdist, coming at your live! Sort of.
BPR likes to cook. Especially for Blue Man. So, in honor of her love for cooking, I have created two child control recipes for Blue Man and mommy. This ought to keep her busy for awhile when terribly annoyed.
The Toddlerita
Ingredients:
- 1 32 ounce big gulp cup
- 6 ice cubes
- 3 ounces apple juice
- 1/4 cup sugar
- 6 ounces vodka
Directions:
1. Put apple juice, sugar and ice in blender. Blend to fine consistency.
2. Add 6 ounces vodka.
3. Blend fully.
4. Pour contents of blender into 32 ounce big gulp cup.
5. Place top on cup.
6. Add bendy-flexi straw with Mickey mouse on it.
7. Give Toddlerita to out of control Blue Man.
8. Put drunk-ass child to bed 30 minutes later.
Mellow Man
Ingredients:
- 1 box brownie mix
- 1 bag milk chocolate M&Ms
- Extra ingredients required for the box of brownie mix
- A dime bag of high quality pot (go to nearest high school and ask kids where to get it)
Directions:
1. Mince entire dime bag of pot.
2. Prepare brownie mix per box directions.
3. Dump all minced pot into brownie batter and stir well.
4. Add M&Ms. Stir well.
5. If Blue Man enjoys brownie batter, allow child to eat entire bowl.
6. Should Blue Man actually like cooked brownies, follow directions to cook brownies.
7. Let cool.
8. Allow Blue Man to eat as many brownies as he so chooses.
9. Put no-longer-ornery Blue Man to bed 30 minutes later.
These two recipes also work well for DH when he is being a total bitch.
ENJOY!
Hey yall, it’s Robin from The Road Less Unraveled and I am here to guest post your ass off 
Two strangers with nothing in common, except each other…
The last time I did a guest posting gig I felt it was about time to admit to the truth about our background. Now, I figure I should give up the dirt on how Blue and I met each other. I did not get permission from Blue to reveal our sorted past but really, what fun is there in that?
We had actually been in high school together for a while before we really met and if it weren’t for the fact we both ended up in detention together that fateful Saturday who knows what would have happened. I had always admired her as she was the homecoming queen and I was really a nobody. I mean, in reality maybe I just had too much going on in my head for high school and therefore I just didn’t fit in.
That day was tough, especially with the guys around and their attitude problems. One a big suck up geek, another thinking he’d get a free ride because he was a jock and the other just wanting to start trouble. We were really innocent bystanders.
Most of the day Blue didn’t talk to me because let’s face it, I was not cool enough to breath the same air as her. She had the beautiful red hair and the fair skin while I had the dark brown unwashed hair and was pasty white. Although I did have a bag of stuff on me if I ever had to jam, that’s something. Truth be told she had pretty neat skill that involved her lipstick and her cleavage.
Eventually, towards the end as we all bonded over what losers we really were she decided to help me with my lack of beauty skills. Ok, so all she did was put some blush on me and pull my hair out of my face but it really made a difference. Lucky for me that cute jock suddenly found me irresistible after that.
After that Saturday detention we kind of lost touch for a while, she went off to have about 7 babies with the bad boy and I eventually left the jock because of a little problem with steroids. I’m glad we are friends again though, because if there is one thing I learned from that day it’s that just by being around Blue I am a much cooler person.
