Recipes for the Ornery Child

I am greatly honored to guest post for BPR today. This is The Absurdist, coming at your live! Sort of.

BPR likes to cook. Especially for Blue Man. So, in honor of her love for cooking, I have created two child control recipes for Blue Man and mommy. This ought to keep her busy for awhile when terribly annoyed.

The Toddlerita

Ingredients:

  • 1 32 ounce big gulp cup
  • 6 ice cubes
  • 3 ounces apple juice
  • 1/4 cup sugar
  • 6 ounces vodka

Directions:

1. Put apple juice, sugar and ice in blender. Blend to fine consistency.

2. Add 6 ounces vodka.

3. Blend fully.

4. Pour contents of blender into 32 ounce big gulp cup.

5. Place top on cup.

6. Add bendy-flexi straw with Mickey mouse on it.

7. Give Toddlerita to out of control Blue Man.

8. Put drunk-ass child to bed 30 minutes later.

Mellow Man

Ingredients:

  • 1 box brownie mix
  • 1 bag milk chocolate M&Ms
  • Extra ingredients required for the box of brownie mix
  • A dime bag of high quality pot (go to nearest high school and ask kids where to get it)

Directions:

1. Mince entire dime bag of pot.

2. Prepare brownie mix per box directions.

3. Dump all minced pot into brownie batter and stir well.

4. Add M&Ms. Stir well.

5. If Blue Man enjoys brownie batter, allow child to eat entire bowl.

6. Should Blue Man actually like cooked brownies, follow directions to cook brownies.

7. Let cool.

8. Allow Blue Man to eat as many brownies as he so chooses.

9. Put no-longer-ornery Blue Man to bed 30 minutes later.

These two recipes also work well for DH when he is being a total bitch.

ENJOY!

∗ Posted by bluepaintred on 04.17.2008
∗ Guest Post

Comments: 13 »

  1. I could use a Mellow Man right now, without the herbs.

    Robin’s last blog post..Bride Advice Part One

    Comment by Robin - April 17, 2008 5:55 am

  2. You know, it’s pretty ironic that the people who don’t have any kids, like you and I, always seem to know best how to deal with kids.

    Mr. Fabulous’s last blog post..Where are the killer robots?

    Comment by Mr. Fabulous - April 17, 2008 5:56 am

  3. Now what if you’re kid won’t drink the apple juice, but the funny brownies are going to take far too long… could you substitue Pediasure for the apple juice?

    Finn’s last blog post..Thursday Photo: Guard Shack, Deerfield Beach

    Comment by Finn - April 17, 2008 7:50 am

  4. Sounds awesome!

    Jen’s last blog post..Thankful Thursday

    Comment by Jen - April 17, 2008 9:10 am

  5. I have no children myself and I think parents should take these along on shopping trips to keep the kids occupied. I truly believe it’s a federal law that there must be at least ONE toddler screaming its head off at all times in ANY retail establishment–because there always seems to be one!

    Bonus for mom & dad: you get the leftovers (but drive home and unload the car first!)

    Comment by phinz - April 17, 2008 10:54 am

  6. Robin:
    I could use one WITH the herbs.

    Fab:
    It’s from our ability for reason and accountability that we have the capacity to know better. I mean, we DID choose not to procreate.

    Finn:
    Hell, I would substitute urine if it made the kid drink it.

    Jen:
    Yeah. In fact, maybe we should be the ones taking the recipes and then let the kids go wild. No one would care at that point.

    Phinz:
    Don’t forget that it’s also a requirement for the parent to do NOTHING about the screaming child except just look at it and say, “Now now…”

    Absurdist’s last blog post..Guest Posting at BluePaintRed?s Today

    Comment by Absurdist - April 17, 2008 11:17 am

  7. This is my dinner on Friday nights.

    metalmom’s last blog post..Domino Effect

    Comment by metalmom - April 17, 2008 7:51 pm

  8. Yummy. How does the adult version of the recipe look? Chocolate whipped cream frosting on the brownies? A maraschino cherry in the drink? I am soooo there!

    Winter’s last blog post..Thursday Thirteen the Twelfth

    Comment by Winter - April 17, 2008 8:00 pm

  9. I’ll take a Mellow Man WITH the herbs, thanks.

    Karl’s last blog post..Little Boy Blue, Come Blow Your Horn

    Comment by Karl - April 18, 2008 12:24 am

  10. Sorry I didn’t get to the rest of you yesterday. Yesterday was a bad day ickiness-wise.

    MM: Can I join you on Fridays?

    Winter: I am all about that. You should see my sundaes when I make them.

    Karl: Why am I not at all surprised?

    Absurdist’s last blog post..Mini-blog: 20Q Calendar Lineup

    Comment by Absurdist - April 18, 2008 11:18 am

  11. Why do my kids keep asking when you’re coming over for dinner?

    whall’s last blog post..Amazing Guitar Hero resources I?ve found

    Comment by whall - April 18, 2008 4:01 pm

  12. Wayne:

    It’s always the “Aunt Michelle” syndrome. I will give you whatever you want as long as you just be quiet while BSG is on.

    Absurdist’s last blog post..Mini-blog: 20Q Calendar Lineup

    Comment by Absurdist - April 18, 2008 4:10 pm

  13. The Absurdist - first of all, this was a great post. Until I read this I was totally against drugging my boys, but now you have shown me the light. I thank you. Second - thanks SO much for helping me out with this post! I really needed this break!

    Comment by bluepaintred - April 22, 2008 11:18 am

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