The Fat Man Cometh

Hey fuckers, Avitable here. Bluepaintred is taking a week off, and she chose me, along with four other losers, to post for her instead.

This gives me an opportunity to bring up a subject that has been troubling me for some time. Over and over again, usually in the comments of my blog, BPR has made it known that she prefers the carnal company of a thinner, hairless boy-man to someone larger, more hirsute, and manlier. Yes, I know that her husband is awesome, but I think she’s not quite aware of all of the benefits of fat man love.

So, without further ado, here are the top three benefits of loving a large, hairy man over a small, hairless one:

1. You don’t have to share the sheets. No matter how cold it gets, the huskier and hairier your Lothario is, the less coverage he needs in bed. You can wrap yourself up over and over again in the sheets, blankets, and comforter, and he’ll sleep snugly under his own protective layer of fur and fat. He’ll even sleep through winter if you don’t wake him (preferably by making waffles and waving the smell over to his nose)!

2. You’ll get a lot more oral sex. For the rotund romancer, sex is a lot of work. All that bouncing and thrusting and moving and shaking really wears him out. Therefore, it’s much easier to just lay down and dive into mufftown. The better part is that all of this activity will wear him out so he’ll fall asleep faster, too! Beware, though – if he falls asleep while being linguistically cunning, he may accidentally eat you from the crotch up while he sleeps!

3. Your self esteem will be astronomical! If you’re jumping the bones of the burly, you will find yourself with higher and higher self-esteem just from spending time with him! When your portly paramour wears manties that are large enough to provide shelter for a family of five who are camping in the wilderness, the extra pound you gained over the last week is going to seem minuscule. And when he lifts you up to carry you to bed, to the pool, or to the all-you-can-eat buffet, you’ll feel light as a feather, no matter how much you weigh!

Hopefully, these three benefits (which are part of a list of hundreds) will help those of you who are struggling with the decision of whether or not they should titillate the thick, sexually assault the adipose, or cuddle with the corpulent. And remember – every time you encourage the enormous to ejaculate, an angel gets its wings.

∗ Posted by bluepaintred on 04.14.2008
∗ Guest Post

Comments: 54

  1. Hmm. I never thought of it that way. I guess I’ll be looking at my 167 pound heart throb in a whole new light.

    Winter’s last blog post..Melancholy Marcus Monday

    Comment by Winter - April 14, 2008 12:12 am

  2. I’ll never view “It’s a Wonderful Life” the same way.

    Karl’s last blog post..The End of an Affair

    Comment by Karl - April 14, 2008 12:15 am

  3. point #2 had me laughing… I’ve heard something similar before, I’m beginning to wonder if it’s true!

    Comment by Tori - April 14, 2008 1:36 am

  4. Mufftown? LOL

    usedtobeme’s last blog post..Too Much to Process

    Comment by usedtobeme - April 14, 2008 2:43 am

  5. God bless you. You are doing the Lord’s work.

    Mr. Fabulous’s last blog post..So what? Big Deal.

    Comment by Mr. Fabulous - April 14, 2008 3:23 am

  6. Awwww, what a cute little something-or-other you are. So, whatcha doin’ this weekend, Mr. Big?

    Miss Anne Derstood’s last blog post..The answers, they just KEEP coming!!!

    Comment by Miss Anne Derstood - April 14, 2008 4:38 am

  7. hirsute?????

    trishk’s last blog post..This Explains a Lot!

    Comment by trishk - April 14, 2008 4:41 am

  8. Oh Avitable, you’re not a loser!

    Though I don’t know who these four other people will be yet, so I can’t really vouch for them…

    Comment by Dave2 - April 14, 2008 5:02 am

  9. Heh.. I am thinking #2 rocks! :grin:

    Comment by Sandi - April 14, 2008 5:02 am

  10. Awwww. And I would do anything for the angels. :twisted:

    Kimberly’s last blog post..In the Dirt

    Comment by Kimberly - April 14, 2008 5:20 am

  11. LMAO

    Anne’s last blog post..Hair Raising

    Comment by Anne - April 14, 2008 5:35 am

  12. Winter, just encourage him to eat lots of butter.

    Karl, what I wrote was actually the original line.

    Tori, go and find out! You’ll see.

    Usedtobeme, I originally said “Vaginaville”.

    Fab, Amen, brother.

    M.A.D., I’m having my back waxed.

    Trish, it means hairy.

    Dave, oh, I can vouch for them. They’re all losers.

    Sandi, unless he falls asleep!

    Kimberly, there will be a place in heaven for you.

    Anne, don’t you agree now that BPR should fatten her husband up?

    avitable’s last blog post..Fuck Monday already!

    Comment by avitable - April 14, 2008 5:39 am

  13. Well, I’ve always thought big boys were pretty cute. I did not realize they were also big oral sex givers. This is important information you’re sharing with the world here. Thank you.

    Em’s last blog post..Question

    Comment by Em - April 14, 2008 5:43 am

  14. “Beware, though – if he falls asleep while being linguistically cunning, he may accidentally eat you from the crotch up while he sleeps!”

    Muahahahahahaha!!!!

    Maria’s last blog post..Untitled? Again?

    Comment by Maria - April 14, 2008 5:45 am

  15. I can vouch for that self esteem bit.

    Being married to the little hairless variety, it does something to a woman when you realize your husband has a nicer ass than you.

    Something very, very bad.

    Miss Britt’s last blog post..In Which I Call Forth A Mountain Of Swag

    Comment by Miss Britt - April 14, 2008 6:00 am

  16. Those wing makers had better get busy :cool:

    Turnbaby’s last blog post..Six Words

    Comment by Turnbaby - April 14, 2008 6:16 am

  17. Em, I’m here to help.

    Maria, it’s the leading cause of oral sex-related death.

    Britt, and man, he does, too.

    Turnbaby, if they know what’s good for them!

    avitable’s last blog post..Fuck Monday already!

    Comment by avitable - April 14, 2008 6:21 am

  18. Well I’m not waiting on them–just sayin’ ;-)

    Turnbaby’s last blog post..Six Words

    Comment by Turnbaby - April 14, 2008 6:54 am

  19. Yes, but does the same apply when they are as f’ing hairy as you?

    Absurdist’s last blog post..Mini-Blog: This is just getting ridiculous

    Comment by Absurdist - April 14, 2008 7:09 am

  20. I thought it was something else that got the angels their wings. Are you sure?

    Shelli’s last blog post..100 Things, In Parts

    Comment by Shelli - April 14, 2008 7:15 am

  21. Turnbaby, that doesn’t surprise me!

    Absurdist, yup. That’s why I mentioned hairy about fourteen times in the post.

    Shelli, I’m prettttty sure.

    avitable’s last blog post..Fuck Monday already!

    Comment by avitable - April 14, 2008 7:19 am

  22. Dear Lazy Bastard,

    Girl on top. Enough said.

    Kisses,
    Poppy

    PS – Cute asses aren’t only reserved for the small and hairless. Just sayin’.

    Comment by Poppy - April 14, 2008 7:30 am

  23. My first love was a husky guy. The sex was awesome (especially the oral). God I miss him…

    Finn’s last blog post..Is Only Lonely?

    Comment by Finn - April 14, 2008 7:37 am

  24. I disagree with #1. I always need cover.

    I agree with #2. Especially when the razor went wonky.

    I’ll remain quiet about #3… because I’m just too damn lazy myself.

    NYCWD’s last blog post..Sunday Smorgashboard Edition 65

    Comment by NYCWD - April 14, 2008 7:38 am

  25. Avi, Avi, Avi….

    There is no way I can have someone sleeping next to me creating more heat than I do. I am my own heating system….hotflashes you know…

    Trishk’s last blog post..This Explains a Lot!

    Comment by Trishk - April 14, 2008 7:40 am

  26. Maybe your grasp of the language is way over my head. I am going to have to look up the two words I don’t know. Otherwise, I guess I truly am an idiot.

    Absurdist’s last blog post..BluePaintRed?s Gonna Kill Me But?

    Comment by Absurdist - April 14, 2008 7:40 am

  27. OMG! lmao @ Poppy. That’s twice as funny when you know who’s on the bottom!

    Mufftown? Hubs prefers the term “Pussy Palace”

    metalmom’s last blog post..Monday Moaning-YOU?RE SORRY???

    Comment by metalmom - April 14, 2008 7:49 am

  28. Aaaaand, there is more cushin for the pushin.

    Robin’s last blog post..Am I Selling You Out?

    Comment by Robin - April 14, 2008 7:52 am

  29. I look forward to facilitating the wing aquisition of many, many angels in the near future.

    Mr. Fabulous’s last blog post..So what? Big Deal.

    Comment by Mr. Fabulous - April 14, 2008 7:52 am

  30. manties.

    i love it every time i hear it.

    Comment by Crys - April 14, 2008 8:00 am

  31. @Dawg: I just sat here and pouted for 20 seconds before I correctly read the word “agree” for #2 (I thought it said disagree). OMG, I’m a dork. And, yay. :twisted:

    @Metalmom: *giggle* :wink:

    Comment by Poppy - April 14, 2008 8:02 am

  32. Poppy, well, yeah, but then the girl has to do all of the work!

    Finn, husky is the new black.

    NYCWD, well, maybe you’re just not hairy enough.

    TrishK, then neither of you need sheets!

    Abs, I was mainly talking about “hairy”, “the hairier”, “fur”, and “hirsuite” – no big words there.

    Metalmom, palace? That makes it sound huge!

    Robin, this is true.

    Fab, I just feel bad for whomever has to make the wings for all of those angels.

    Crys, if only I could have trademarked it.

    Poppy, were you reading blogs with your eyes closed again?

    avitable’s last blog post..Fuck Monday already!

    Comment by avitable - April 14, 2008 8:03 am

  33. Speaking as The Girl, I assure you I don’t mind. And I refuse to acknowledge your second statement.

    Comment by Poppy - April 14, 2008 8:05 am

  34. So that’s a yes. :mrgreen:

    avitable’s last blog post..Fuck Monday already!

    Comment by avitable - April 14, 2008 8:07 am

  35. At least my palms aren’t hairy.

    Comment by Poppy - April 14, 2008 8:09 am

  36. Hahahaha!

    avitable’s last blog post..Fuck Monday already!

    Comment by avitable - April 14, 2008 8:10 am

  37. I have plenty of fur… but even polar bears need cover in the arctic.

    NYCWD’s last blog post..Sunday Smorgashboard Edition 65

    Comment by NYCWD - April 14, 2008 8:14 am

  38. @Dawg: :mrgreen: France is now part of The Arctic now, eh? Give it a few more weeks, it’ll just rain all the time instead of snowing.

    Comment by Poppy - April 14, 2008 8:18 am

  39. As a fat woman married to a fat man, I can also attest to the fact that, if you get into bed cold, you will be toasty and golden within five minutes if you’re lying next to a fat man. They tend to radiate heat.

    My fat man always tells me how beautiful I am, and that’s sometimes the only high spot of my day. I might have to be quick if I want any mashed potatoes, but it’s a small price to pay.

    golfwidow’s last blog post..no room for “too smart for the room”

    Comment by golfwidow - April 14, 2008 8:21 am

  40. It was snowing yesterday… April 13th.

    It’s the Arctic. I assure you. :mrgreen:

    NYCWD’s last blog post..Sunday Smorgashboard Edition 65

    Comment by NYCWD - April 14, 2008 8:21 am

  41. Did you like how I woke you up and said, “it snowed! But it all melted away…” and then when we were leaving there was a blizzard? Yah, I liked that too. :cry:

    Comment by Poppy - April 14, 2008 8:33 am

  42. I need to re-evaluate so much in my life.

    (and poppy and dawg are really cute)

    Amanda’s last blog post..I’m Gonna Need My Own Zipcode

    Comment by Amanda - April 14, 2008 8:46 am

  43. Oh my; as is becoming a daily routine, Avitable, you have left me at a loss for words. Mostly. I can always think of SOMETHING to say…just not necessary anything cute, witty, or profound. Guess I’ll leave that up to the rest of your following!

    Jennifer’s last blog post..The Useful Information Available on the Internet

    Comment by Jennifer - April 14, 2008 9:01 am

  44. NYCWD, well, I guess that is what you get for going to Arctic France!

    Poppy, it’s especially mean since you’ll soon be in warm, sunny Florida!

    Golfwidow, fighting over mashed potatoes is a leading cause of divorce, though.

    Amanda, it’s just a small shift in your priorities, that’s all.

    Jennifer, you don’t have anything to say about large libidinous lovers?

    avitable’s last blog post..Fuck Monday already!

    Comment by avitable - April 14, 2008 9:34 am

  45. Britt, I’m with you there, my hairless skinny dude has smaller thighs than I do, and a cuter butt.

    Avi, I was at least able to keep my breakfast down today. Thank you very much. Although reading you, could help considerably with the size of my thighs…

    Becky’s last blog post..Chapter One

    Comment by Becky - April 14, 2008 11:31 am

  46. Can I print this blog off and take it on dates with me ?

    Please sir ;)

    Comment by L - April 14, 2008 11:51 am

  47. Hmmmm, I’ll have to ask my friend, who is the wife of a large, hairy mammal if this is indeed true. Lot’s of oral sex, you say. Wow. Maybe the Ty-man needs to quit shaving and gain some weight…

    Coal Miner’s Granddaughter’s last blog post..One Tired Ghost Hunter

    Comment by Coal Miner's Granddaughter - April 14, 2008 1:23 pm

  48. Becky, I am indeed available as an appetite suppressant.

    L, I think you should!

    CMG, yeah, but you’re both geeks. You have your own set of benefits.

    avitable’s last blog post..Fuck Monday already!

    Comment by avitable - April 14, 2008 1:43 pm

  49. I totally agree. Cherish the moment, dude. :roll:

    Tracy Lynn’s last blog post..Post 690: I Would Punch Myself In The Face, It Can’t Possibly Hurt As Much

    Comment by Tracy Lynn - April 14, 2008 1:51 pm

  50. Oh Avitable I always get an edumacation from you, don’t I?!
    But I think BPR got ripped off – why no purty drawings?!

    Sybil Law’s last blog post..Holy HELL This Is Long!

    Comment by Sybil Law - April 14, 2008 6:42 pm

  51. Tracy, so you’re a fan of the large lover?

    Sybil, I didn’t have time to draw anything this time.

    avitable’s last blog post..Fuck Monday already!

    Comment by avitable - April 14, 2008 6:55 pm

  52. LOVE a larger man. le rowl.

    hello haha narf’s last blog post..Oh My Fuck! Talk About Synchronicity

    Comment by hello haha narf - April 14, 2008 7:25 pm

  53. The things I learn reading your posts. . . Even if I didn’t think you were funny or entertaining, I’d probably still read you for the education.

    You should compile all your sex ed. posts into a book! :idea:

    Girl, Dislocated’s last blog post..Change of scenery!

    Comment by Girl, Dislocated - April 14, 2008 10:45 pm

  54. Hello, “le rowl”? Is that French since this is a Canadian blog?

    Girl, Dislocated, I could call it, “Avitable’s Horrifying Things You Never Wanted to Know About Sex and Masturbation”.

    avitable’s last blog post..Fuck Monday already!

    Comment by avitable - April 15, 2008 6:54 am

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