Eight years ago tonight, ( 1:05Am October 29th) I lazily pushed out the first of my three sons. I say lazily because it was three half-hearted pushes. Don’t hate me for my “birthin’ hips”
I was able to get away with not changing a diaper until he was five days old because I am very good at being busy when work needs to be done. Just ask my dad.
In any case, When I opened his smelly little diaper, wipes at the ready, I saw his penis for the first time and broke out into laughter. It was tiny. Smaller than tiny. I’m serious, it was like a little nub, barely there.
That night, our first night home with the baby, I asked my husband if boy babies always have such teeny tiny penis’…peni…dicks. My husband, engrossed in the tiny fingers of his little heir, distractedly explained that when a boy reaches a certain age, their dad takes them to the Penis Garden to pick out a new and improved, larger sized penis.
I laughed. That got his attention. His face paled and his hands trembled and he begged me never to tell anyone that I knew about the existence of the Penis Garden. Apparently, the Penis Garden is very well kept secret among the testosterone sect.
I promised never to tell (oops) but every summer since then, I have meticulously searched every garden I happen across, on the off chance that I will finally find the fabled Penis Garden.
Saturday Morning I finally found it. I was a bit surprised to see that it was made of ice considering penis’..peni…cocks have such violent reactions to cold.
Pee Ess: It is also Not A Granny’s Birthday today. Go wish her a good one
Afterthought- Having slept on the issue at hand I have decided that they must flash freeze the phallus to ensure maximum freshness.
∗ Posted by bluepaintred on 10.28.2007
∗ I'm Important too, Pictures, Rainbow Man, information
Well, now it all makes sense!
Comment by Robin - October 29, 2007 6:31 am
Robin : I’m going to see if I can;t find the smaller ass section of the garden for myself now.
Comment by Bluepaintred - October 29, 2007 6:49 am
it takes a lot of love and care to grow those babies… I hope you have a deeper respect for what we have to go through now to make ya happy
Comment by Tenacious B - October 29, 2007 8:07 am
WOW. What the hell are those really? Hail? Spray from your neighbors broken tap?
Comment by Shelli - October 29, 2007 8:13 am
Tenacious B - And I suppose a lot of hand polishing happens too? Maybe some chrome plating?
Comment by Bluepaintred - October 29, 2007 8:14 am
I am coming to Canada to frolic naked in the garden….Oh my! I hope I don’t fall!
Comment by metalmom - October 29, 2007 9:19 am
Metal Mom Uhm let me state this disclaimer : Objects in pictures may appear larger when zoomed. and stuff
Just sayin
Comment by Bluepaintred - October 29, 2007 9:23 am
Ew! That’s creepy!
You didn’t see his penis till 5 days later? OMG, when I had my son I made them pull the blanket back to see his fingers and toes and penis. I wanted to make sure everything was there in the proper number.
Comment by annie - October 29, 2007 10:45 am
Well, after that I never want to hear a man say ‘frigid bitch’ again!
NOT that I have…to me anyway.
Comment by Tug - October 29, 2007 10:46 am
Tug In high school we had a friend who’s bf used a grape Popsicle on her and she ended up in the ER.
Annie I wasn’t a typical first time mom. He scared me. He was so small and helpless. I didn’t take up his daily care until he was 3 months old. We were living with my in laws and one day she decided that I needed to be the mom so they left to the US for three months. After that I was good to go, but I am pretty lazy, and when she was there and willing to care for him, I was good with that.
Comment by Bluepaintred - October 29, 2007 10:51 am
So, I assume the ice is to preserve the penis?
Comment by Lynda - October 29, 2007 10:58 am
Damn it! No one ever told me about the penis garden!!!
Comment by ajooja - October 29, 2007 12:02 pm
You are a flippin’ riot!!
Comment by Sheila - October 29, 2007 2:16 pm
OMFG. That photograph is HIGH-larious!
I guess all the small penis guys got there late after all the big ones were taken. Lazy shits. LMAO
Comment by Kentucky Girl - October 29, 2007 2:26 pm
Now I understand what happened to my ex husband. The Penis Garden had melted!
Comment by Not a Granny - October 29, 2007 3:22 pm
That’s a great story! Where did that photo come from?
Comment by Diane Mandy - October 29, 2007 3:41 pm
LOL! Great picture, great story
Greets Julia
Comment by Julia - October 29, 2007 3:45 pm
LMAO….
Comment by Fantastagirl - October 29, 2007 4:13 pm
That picture is so friggin funny!!
Comment by Mel - October 29, 2007 5:34 pm
So the legends are true…
Comment by Mr. Fabulous - October 29, 2007 6:43 pm
Happy birthday rainbowman love you
Auntie kiss
Comment by kissmyglass - October 29, 2007 8:54 pm
Wow… I like that sorta bumpy one. Can they trade up if they decide they don’t like the model they have now?
Comment by Marilyn - October 29, 2007 10:35 pm
LOL this was too funny!!!
Comment by Twisted Cinderella - October 30, 2007 10:59 am
Prince Charming says that the reason for the secrecy is so that women don’t take over the garden making men obsolete.
Comment by Twisted Cinderella - October 30, 2007 11:00 am
HAHAHA! That’s HILARIOUS! But kinda scary in a way….
Comment by Olga, the Traveling Bra - November 1, 2007 1:28 pm
Hey - I live in Canada. Where is this fantastical place? I’d like to do some shopping.
Comment by DrowseyMonkey - November 1, 2007 2:01 pm
Is there a limit on the number of times a guy can visit the penis garden? Do they make exchanges? Just asking. No reason.
Comment by Suzi - November 2, 2007 12:27 am