Dear Ethan;
Oh sweetie, If I knew how hard your daddy was gonna spank you, Or how long your Momma was gonna yell, I swear, I SWEAR, I would never have made you tell them what happened. I’m so sorry little man.
Sure, smashing your bike into Blue Boy’s bike, while he was on it, and trashing his training wheels ‘cus “training wheels are for babies” was mean, but you’re just a little boy!
When you saw the plastic bits littering the road, you said sorry right away. You hugged Blue Boy when he cried. I thought you were going to cry too. You might think you are a big guy, but you are only five, just a few months older than Blue Boy is.
No child – fuck that – no person deserves to be talked to like that! And there is never anything a child can do that deserves a spanking like the one you got.
If I knew you were going to get into that much trouble, I would have looked the other way.
I’m so SO Sorry.
Come by tomorrow and I will give you a Popsicle;
XOXO
Your Very Mean Neighbour Lady Who Couldn’t Take Five Seconds To Think Before She Acted.
Pee Ess: Ethan, If I EVER hear your daddy hit you like that again, I will call the cops on his ass so fast his head will spin! This is a promise I make to you.
***
Edit:
Family Draaaaama Update: My brother just got arrested. Now the shit be hittin’ the fan peoples!
It’s so hard to do anything when there is fahmahlee Dramaaaaa happening isn’t it?
I so totally logged on to write a brilliant piece of bloggetry, something that would leave you gasping in awe and maybe even shedding a few tears. But then my phone rang.
Le Sigh.
There isn’t much I can do when the family draaaaama is happening hundreds of billions of miles away, now is there? Yea pfft. Where are my cheesy poofs?
fack it anyway.
So my latest doctors appointment to address the OMG I’m dizzy 24/7 – stupid facking headache leave me in peace- hey why did my leg just fall asleep – woah pretty stars – faint – issues; is June 14Th. That’s a long fucking wait.
Le sigh squared.
It’s seriously hard to type when the freaking monitor keeps going in and out of focus don’t ya know.
So uhm. We cleaned the basement and only found one spider. That’s pretty good. OH! And I am all out of fudgesicles, which is good, as I am pretty sure there isn’t a diet out there that includes them … (if you happen to know of one, send it to me ASAP)
Why is my left ear ringing but my right one isn’t?
Fuck this. It’s too hard to keep the screen in focus AND myself on the stool to keep typing. But hey, gimme props for tryin’ which is more than I did last night!
I love being first. First Rules!!
What do you like to be first in…
RoxDar
If I had the chance to pick something that I would always, not matter what, be first for, I would pick first in line for the toilet.
Case in point:
What a way to spend a Saturday afternoon. It’s way too hot, it’s crowded, and what on earth is that smell? The carnival was in town and I was waiting, non to patiently, to use one of the six million port-a-potties.
A strange man in front of me turned. He was covered in hair. It was disgusting. Like a black angora sweater – the only reason I knew it was not a sweater, is that no one is dumb enough to wear a sweater in this heat! Plus, the bacon cheese burger tangled up in the vicinity of where I assume his right nipple would be, was a dead give away!
Big foot was my best friend you know. The abominable snowman ate him for lunch one day. That sucked. Said the freakishly hairy man.
Huh? Maybe the heat was getting to him…
Oh hi. My name is Bill. Are you waiting for the fat woman to sing too?
What next I thought, now on top of everything else I have this crazy guy bugging me. Gimme a fricken break!
I think your cheese is rotten, he said.
In my most authoritative tone, I replied; Look mister, I don’t have any cheese, I don’t know you, I don’t want to know you and I really wish you’d leave me alone! I’m hot, I’m tired, and I don’t need this!
There. That should stop him!
Woah! Take an ice cube lady! I’m just trying to make conversation!
FUCK!
And what exactly would you have me do with this ice cube? Shove it up your fat, hairy ass?
OK, OK, it’s time to calm down, soothed Bill, you know, there are doctors who treat this kind of thing. The could prescribe something for that there temper of yours. You should seek help as soon as possible, because I really hate elephants!
ME! I screamed I should seek help? You’re the one talking about big feet and melting snowmen and invisible fucking cheese!!
What.the.hell? He stuttered; I’m not the one who started talking about flat-footed ballet dancers and blow-up dolls, am I? Nope. I’m afraid, little missy, YOU are the crazy one here! So whats your name?
Huh? Maybe the heat was getting to me…
What part of ‘whats your name didn’t you understand?’
Why on earth should I talk to you, much less tell you my name? For All I know you’re a serial killer who walks around asking people their name before chopping them to bits with a rusty butchers knife because the look like your dead dog FouFou!
So what if I peed my pants on the way home? At least I got away from the bacon cheese burger freaktard!
Pee Ess: Go back and read the disclaimer
By these guys. Cus I asked them too, that’s why! I got a *meh* and because thats on the list of top ten words I find amusing, right below vajayjay and right above cocksucker, I’m *meh* about the reveiw. Read it if you want, here is the link!
Pee Ess: Breaking story: Eye kant Spel…
Yesterday I asked for blog post ideas and y’all came through with a blast! That’s a lot to choose from people!
(START – 10:59 pm my time. I deliberately did not check comments until just before opening this window – sorry for not responding!)
I was tempted to start with the easy ones and get them out of the way but that would leave me with all the hard ones at the end So I asked Jittery Joe to pick a number. He picked seven which is:
Sheila said…
Why is the cat in the dish washer again?
I love to eat turnips, but you know what they do to me…
Don’t you pick your nose to scratch your ears, too?
I have never seen a bug come out of there before!
Trust my pal Sheila to have multiple strings going at the same time! Here we go! I shouldn’t have to point out that the following story is not true! Any similarities to real bloggers is coincidental and not intended by the author. *muah!*
(All linkage is just to prove I know how to link. It doesn’t mena a damn thing. Stop looking at me liek that!)
EXCITEMENT! Finally I was going to meet some bloggers! I’m kind of nervous. I mean really. they could all be serial puppy killers, what do I know of them but from their daily addiction to the web?
I dressed with care – Fine, Fuck you, With comfort in mind. What If I had to run to escape the weird ass bloggers? I didn’t want to be tugging my thong and cursing high heels!
We were to meet at a coffee shop. This was my idea and a great one indeed! Cus, hello? Coffee! World peace could be achieved with coffee! (I would have also accepted chocolate or strawberry bubble bath)
The place was busy. Would I know them when I see them? Would they know me? Should I have sent out a more recent photo. Or waited to dye my hair neon pink? Which totally rocks by the way. I’m thinking of getting the ends dipped in electric blue, whattaya think?
OH! I think that’s them! ohmigawd! Its Mr.Baf! Wow. His..personality.. is much bigger in real life!
Turns out no puppies were killed at all during our visit. Sigh. I was really hoping for a new fur cuff. Whatever. Did you know that when Mr.Baf eats turnips his face gets really really red? I was a bit nervous when steam started coming out of his ears, but after he manually adjusted the crank in his pants, and the steam dissipated, all was well.
I told him he should get it checked by a reputable doctor, but he told me that his butt is still beeping on the hour, and for three minutes every morning at seven, from his last doctors exam. I understand his hesitation to go back!
Only one of the bloggers was late meeting us, but it was hilarious. I should have brought my camera! She completely covered in soap and cat hair. She tired to tell us her granddaughter Elleb had put the cat in the dishwasher, but knowing her as I do from her blog, it was quite easy to read between the lines and understand that the cat, her, and large kumquat had been engaged in some pretty kinky activities and she lost track of time.
It’s too bad she didn’t think to invite me, I have a box full of over ripe kiwi in the back of my car. Sure the seeds are a bitch to get out of tight places, but they are so fun to squeeze!
My friend Aliehs came too. Unlike Illehs, she wasn’t preoccupied with cat tails and was on time. She brought her hottie boyfriend too! That was a bonus because we didn’t know he was coming. It was a bit weird meeting Mot. He is in a wheelchair, – that’s not weird, my sister is in one too, but she has lots of XXX bumper stickers on hers – Mot kept picking Aliehs’ nose and then stuffing the boogers in his ear. He would just reach across, shove his finger in, root around and pull out. It was like Aliehs didn’t even notice. I’m not sure she will be invited to another blogger meet, even if her BF is hawt!
I know for a fact all those bastards bloggers will be typing at the speed of light to tell all thier minions what happened to me, so I want to get my version (the truth) out!
The worst moment came just half hour into our meet. I was on my sixteenth cup of coffee, – everyone else was still adding their various creams and sugars, – and just as I leaned over to grab my purse out from under my chair – I had the cutest pictures of my brats having a “cock” fight between the snakes and our cat – Oh god, this is hard.
As I leaned forward, in complete view of everyone there, a bug crawled out from under the edge of my skirt. At first I figured I could just swat it and everyone would think it was just some random bug.
That idea was squashed when it crawled onto the table carrying my tampon. Mr. Baf fainted – after wetting himself – and Aliehs screamed and said “I have never seen a bug come out of there before!” while standing on her chair. Illehs just kept picking the cat hair out of her teeth. It was horrible.
I told them that I was getting some work done,. The bugs were the construction crew just getting the site ready for the interior decorator I was meeting later that day.
I don’t think they believed me…
(END – 11:30PM my time)
(I will not be prefacing my future blogger ideas with a disclaimer, simply their comment quote and a link – the disclaimer still applies)
